A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
"Well, that's great... that's really great.... some a**hole has my pen."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
You might be a Redneck Taliban if
From a list I'm on
You might be a Redneck Taliban if...
You might be a Redneck Taliban if...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a $300 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
You've felt the urge to rub one out after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You wipe your a** with your bare left hand, but consider bacon unclean.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
USRSF
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
- The season opened today.
- There is no limit.
- They taste just like chicken.
- They don't like beer, pickups, country music, NASCAR, or Jesus.
- They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Campaigning versus voting
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity"
The senator reflects for a minute, then he> answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.....Today you voted."
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity"
The senator reflects for a minute, then he> answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.....Today you voted."
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
This is one of those times
that I wish I had money to burn.
Michael Yon is selling his Dragon Skin body armor on ebay.
I'd love to be able to replace the funds he feels he wasted on the product.
One has to wonder what the vendor is thinking right now...
Michael Yon is selling his Dragon Skin body armor on ebay.
I'd love to be able to replace the funds he feels he wasted on the product.
One has to wonder what the vendor is thinking right now...
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
An Expensive Toy
A category that I'm all in favor of but this one comes with lousy keyboard and no user replaceable battery.
The MacBook Air
The MacBook Air
When seconds count
The police are only minutes away.
The lovely Laurel has video
From the front step of my house I can see the village hall of my town. The police station shares a parking lot with village hall. In regular traffic one can drive from the police station to my house in under 2 minutes. In an emergency I would imagine under 60 seconds. However since the police are usually not at the station and on patrol I would guess 3 to 5 minutes is more like it.
Maybe having guns in the home isn't such a bad idea...
The lovely Laurel has video
From the front step of my house I can see the village hall of my town. The police station shares a parking lot with village hall. In regular traffic one can drive from the police station to my house in under 2 minutes. In an emergency I would imagine under 60 seconds. However since the police are usually not at the station and on patrol I would guess 3 to 5 minutes is more like it.
Maybe having guns in the home isn't such a bad idea...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
You don't have to be Blond
These Contractors are installing the steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and anxious to go home.
How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?
(Making the rounds at work)
Interesting
If you read Day by Day (and if you don't you should) you may have noticed the Free DBD books text in the left hand pane. After clicking on the link (and finding nothing) I went to the DBD homepage and there was the link. Setup my registration (and awaiting confirmation since I have my own domain...) and searched for Chris Muir. Found the DBD books. And a book on Issac Newton as the 16th link.
There appears to be much more to Chris than I thought...
There appears to be much more to Chris than I thought...
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Shamrox Season opener - video coverage
Some video shot at the 2008 season opener
First - we get bagpipes
And fire!
And finally - Lacrosse!
A fan fav at Shamrox games are the dancers. After the first quarter we were treated to some Motley Crue
After the third quarter the girls wanted some respect
And then it was over. A tough game but the Shamrox just didn't have enough offensive firepower to keep up with Toronto.
After the game fans are allowed down on the field to get autographs. I think this is my daughters favorite part of the game. While we were doing this local band Facing Forward was playing. To be honest I couldn't understand a word they were saying...
Like most bands they overdrive the bass but I have a feeling that their gear is designed for a much smaller room than the Sears Centre.
Thing1 remembers seeing them when he was in high school at the Bartlett Public Library. Now they are on MTV, WGN TV, and playing here. Looks like the future is bright.
First - we get bagpipes
And fire!
And finally - Lacrosse!
A fan fav at Shamrox games are the dancers. After the first quarter we were treated to some Motley Crue
After the third quarter the girls wanted some respect
And then it was over. A tough game but the Shamrox just didn't have enough offensive firepower to keep up with Toronto.
After the game fans are allowed down on the field to get autographs. I think this is my daughters favorite part of the game. While we were doing this local band Facing Forward was playing. To be honest I couldn't understand a word they were saying...
Like most bands they overdrive the bass but I have a feeling that their gear is designed for a much smaller room than the Sears Centre.
Thing1 remembers seeing them when he was in high school at the Bartlett Public Library. Now they are on MTV, WGN TV, and playing here. Looks like the future is bright.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
The Shamrox are back
Me and the kids went to the season opener tonight for the Chicago Shamrox. The ended up losing 11-9 but we still had a great time. Pics and video tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)